I needed a day to wallow

You may remember this post, where I shared a bit of the story of Joel and I trying to get pregnant for a second time. I am not sure why I haven't mentioned it since, other than I just haven't known what else to say.

Well, yesterday was the tough day. I've been using Clomid for 3 months and I had a level of faith that 3 months would be the charm. When it became plainly obvious that it wasn't going to work, I was pretty down about it. Last month was the last chance I had to get pregnant before I turn another year older, and also the last chance I had to have a due date before my daughter's fifth birthday. Usually, the signs that I am not pregnant don't get me so down; but yesterday I needed a day to wallow. I cried and I prayed and I, well, I watched a lot of TV.

The hardest part about this whole thing is the cost of everything and how every decision is based around how much it's going to cost. We can't afford to see any specialists. We've taken all the main tests, including 1 bigger test (HSG, if you know what that is), and there is nothing noticeably wrong with either of us. There really is no known reason I haven't gotten pregnant in the last 2 years.

My doctor's main advice is that I just have patience, and so any sort of "treatment" that I want to pursue has pretty much been on my own. I've been using a progesterone cream for the last year and a half (which I think I'm about to stop using), and then I've been trying the Clomid. But I'm nervous about even doing that, because I don't feel like it's on the right kind of "program." It's incredibly difficult and stressful to make most of my own decisions about this when I am not even remotely an expert.

Since Joel and I are trying to get out of debt, it's pretty difficult to justify getting into more debt (not to mention, the magical pot at the end of the rainbow that the money would have to come from), and so I think what I have to do is ... nothing. I think I need to stop all the rigmarole and just wait. It's a hard decision to come to (I'm not even sure I'm fully there), and so, I really needed a day to wallow.